Holding My Breath…

Since being down here, I’ve realized something kind of major: I miss my family and friends so bad when I’m not here. I’m happier here, freer, lighter. I want to be back, I want to be close to everyone. I want to be able to run to Shannon’s for a play date, have sister sleepovers every once in a while…see my dad regularly, see Kim regularly, have Robyn come over to watch movies and just hang out, go to the semi-regular gathering of my high school friends…
So, naturally, I’ve been putting the bug back in Matt’s ear about moving. I don’t really know what makes more sense, or what’s “better”, but I know that I’ve tried for nearly 3 years to love living up North and I just don’t. I don’t mind it, but I’m not 100% happy. I feel isolated and alone. I grew up in a big, loud, always in your face family. Everybody knows everyone elses business and everyone has an opinion about it. I grew up with family dinners and getting together on every occasion. I miss out on SO MUCH being up north. I miss out on birthday dinners, random get-togethers and Apple/Maple/Winter Festivals. I miss out on the September fairs and the highway ceremonies. I miss out on everything I grew up doing and I miss it…I miss it so much.
My ideal living situation would be to be down south with Matt and my family, and the friends that I grew up with. And so…I think, we’re going to try it. We need to move anyway, and I want to give down south another go. In my heart, I always want it. In my heart, I’ve always felt the North was a temporary living situation. I thought Matt would get his education, and we’d move back down closer to my family. I function better as a person near them, for some reason. I am at my best when I’m here, but only I haven’t been because that other half of mine is so far away now.
When I go back up North on Saturday, I’ll be getting the moving ball rolling. Putting in our notice at the current house, arranging everything so that we can hopefully move back here by September.
We’re taking a GIANT leap of faith here, blindly jumping again into the unknown. Of course, I am fearing not having a place to move too…I always feel that, but I’m also worried that if we don’t put our notice in {and soon!} we’ll continue to miss out on realy amazing rentals, like the farmhouse that was 900 and just so beautiful I fell in love with it upon seeing pictures. I started imagining the kids playing in that big, wide open spaced yard with their cousins and their aunties and their grandparents all near by.
My heart is hurting a little because Matt isn’t as excited as this as I am. He perfers the north, but is recongizing just how important being near my family is to me. He can hear the change in my voice since I’ve been here, how excited and upbeat I am. I try to hide it because I don’t want him to think that I’m unhappy up North, because I’m not…per say….but I miss everyone, I feel like a piece of me is missing, stuck here where I long to be. Every time I come here I’m reminded just how much I want to be here. I want Nolan and Archer to grow up with their siblings always near by, seeing them every week, sometimes more. I want to be able to catch a hot stripper movie with my sisters without having to make a 4.5 hour drive to do so. 
But I am worrying that Matt is only agreeing to move because it’s what I want, and that he’ll end up resenting me. I moved up North for Matt, for the betterment of our family and I don’t resent him for it, so I don’t think he’d resent me for it either…and I truly do think we could all be happy here. We were once, and we can be again. Matt is just scared, as am I…moving is scary. Taking leaps of faith is scary. Leaving behind friends and connections is scary. Matt has friends up North that he loves to spend time with, I have friends down south that I love to spend time with. I don’t want to feel like I’m dragging him down south, but I also want to be here so bad…that it’s clouding everything. If that makes sense.
But, I think we’re in agreement: we’ll give down south a year or so to woo Matt, just like I gave up North time to woo me, and then we’ll see. Nothing in life is permanate, at least not the locations.
Hopefully by September we will be living in a house or apartment down here.
I don’t know if it’s the “smart” move, or the “safe” move, given Matt won’t have a job down here when we first move…but…
I don’t know. I feel like this is where we’re supposed to be.

No Comments

  1. Good luck. Life is never easy. I am sure you are making the best decision for your family.


  2. I can relate to how you feel up there. I hope whatever decision you guys make you can all be happy. The most important thing of course being that the four of you are together 🙂


  3. Good luck with this leap! Things will work out for the best no matter where you are, as long as you are together! 🙂
    ♥ Kyna


  4. What about finding a town in between the two? Like, maybe you could move back down south for a while, but then look for a literal happy medium, that way no one has to miss friends and family.

    I dunno. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be for you guys. I want to move out of state so bad, yet Mike doesn't, so I kind of get it.

  5. tierney

    Good luck! I'm sure you'll find happiness wherever you go, but I understand the need to be closer to family. With young kids I think you're making a good choice to be closer to the boys' extended family. Also, since this move back south is planned, perhaps Matt could start submitting applications to local places outlining that he is out of town but looking for work come September? If nothing else, it may get his name & credentials out there which may make it easier to find work in the long run. Either way, best of luck! Keep us posted!

  6. Anonymous

    Happy wife, happy life :), but seriously, it's actually true. From what you've written it seems pretty isolating being up North. Matt might have his friends, but you don't seem to get along super well with his family, leaving you without much of a support network. Taking your family to where everyone has a network of friends and family (doesn't Matt have friends there too? he used to live there, right?) seems like a much improved life for everyone. With someone to help you watch the kids, you and Matt will actually have more time to work on yourselves and on your relationship as a couple, whether that means finding a job, going to school, or making new friends. It's really only fair that Matt gives it a shot; don't feel bad about that! In marriages we have to sacrifice our own happiness for the sake of our partner from time to time.


  7. A happy medium would still be a stretch away, two hours or so 🙁 but we'll see…maybe that will be a possibility down the road. I'm thinking about me going back to school and Matt banking tons of hours at some job to save for the school dream, in which case we'd need family support.


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