Spoons & Pain.

To be honest…I’ve been in a lot of pain the last few weeks. I don’t know what I did to my shoulder, but I really mangled it and the pain quite literally takes my breath anyway – and not in a good way. It’s been so bad that I’ve even gone to my [new] doctor to push for a referral to my specialist in TO and get some x-rays lined up. She wrote me a prescription for T3s and for the last few days I’ve been trying to control the pain with that. T3s do help ease the pain enough to keep me from bawling my eyes out and it actually lets me move my arm…but it comes at a price: I feel massively ill when I take them.

You know those cheap carnival rides that spin around and around really quick? The ones that leave you disoriented and dizzy and just not feeling right? That’s what codeine does to me. It makes me feel dizzy, disoriented and very nauseous. It helps with one evil and brings another to the table. I can’t seem to get ahead of the pain, to control it, without making myself sick and unable to do things anyway.

I’m going to see about something else…something that isn’t codeine based. I can’t get by on just Tylenol for this, and who knows how long the referral to my specialist will take. I am going to get x-rays and an ultrasound today, but again…that’s not going to solve any issues I have with pain.

Who am I kidding, I always have issues with pain. If it’s not one thing it’s another and controlling it is so difficult to do. Which reminds me, if you’ve never read Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory, I encourage you to do so. For years I’ve tried to find the words to describe what it’s like to have MHE, a chronic pain disorder. This sums it up perfectly.

And the other day, I posted a photo of my kitchen on Instagram with a little blurb on how I needed to clean it immediately following dinner. I can’t let stuff get out of hand or I shut down. I’m obsessive about this. Amber shared some wonderful insight.

It’s crazy how much other people with chronic pain disorders just get it. I never really drew the correlation of needing to keep things tidy and in order to that of having my MHE. I just don’t pay close attention, I try to block it out as much as possible because I don’t like dwelling on it. I do know that any time the mess in my house gets to be too much, I shut right down and require A LOT of help from M to get things back in order. So, that makes sense.

I’m impatient, and I’m tired of being in this much pain constantly. The kind of pain that even can’t block out or ignore is kind of frightening. Hopefully the referral process doesn’t take long, and hopefully my doctor can help me find a temporary fix for all this pain that doesn’t leave me sick.

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  1. I can relate to that too. I have been BEGGING my husband for YEARS to let me get a house cleaner to come every-other-week just to do the hardcore cleaning. Physically, I CAN’T keep up with it all. And like you, I get really emotional when I can’t because I feel like I’m a crappy wife and mother. Honestly, I suck at being a housewife… and it’s because of my disease. He says he’ll do the cleaning… but he doesn’t REALLY do it. I mean, he kinda does… just not good enough. Then I feel guilty because he works all day and then has to clean the house on weekends. Which in turn only makes me feel inadequate and like a failure.
    I hope you can find some relief soon. Thinking of you!


    1. I feel ya. I’m the same way! I have to really divide and conquer all my chores, and Matt handles the laundry for the most part because going up and down stairs with baskets of laundry just doesn’t happen for me. I collect, toss in a basket, leave it at the top of the stairs. He carries it to the basement and switches the loads, carries it back upstairs and I fold it and put it away.

      As for the heavy stuff like moping, vacuuming etc…all Matt’s jobs lol. I clean the kitchen constantly so there isn’t much to do, and the kids (well, Nolan) help pick up toys etc so I don’t have to bend over too much.

      Divide and conquer! I still feel crummy for getting so much help though..

  2. tierney

    I’m really sorry to hear about your pain. I saw that comment on your IG and it totally resonated with me. It made a lot of sense to me and while I too feel like that, I hadn’t connected it to my pain until reading that. It’s true- it seems as though the only people that really comprehend what this is like, is those battling chronic pain as well. I had a break down this weekend and I’m feeling a lot of the same things you are. My boyfriend, Jay, suggested I try to find a support group. I don’t know. I just wish I could have a break. A day without pain. I’m sure you’re in the same boat. I’m on percocets for now but see my surgeon next week so hopefully we have a new game plan. I’m sorry the T3’s are a doubled-edged sword. I’m thinking of you!


    1. I’m sorry you had a break down hun. I’m trying to control and stay on top of my pain but it’s hard with the double edged swords 🙁

      Maybe a support group would be good? Or we could all get together and have a chronic pain bitching session lol. 🙁


  3. Jess, I hope that the doctor visits today lead to some relief in the shoulder pain.

    I have been in pain for a lot of my life. Just injuries. My body is weaker than my mind.

    My house is ALWAYS a disaster. I do the bare minimum to make it so we can eat and use the toilet and shower, and that’s about it. Dawg lugs the laundry around at this point because I just can’t do it.

    I guess that was me sharing that I empathize.

    Stay strong, Mama! 🙂


    1. Thank you Poppy! I’m sad you feel that way too. It’s not fun 🙁 being in pain AND feeling guilty super sucks.


  4. I love the Spoon Theory. It’s the best way I’ve ever seen anyone explain what it’s like to have a chronic pain illness. I had a feeling that’s what you’d be talking about in this post…

    I hope they can figure out something soon. I’ve been through the medication mill and recently started having problems with my Costco Extra Strength Tylenol. It completely messes up my stomach. I saw a commercial for Icy Hot Arthritis and then saw it at Target for $6.99, so picked some up. It’s been a game changer for me. I don’t know if it’ll do anything for you, since your bone pain isn’t necessarily joint pain, but maybe you could try it or the regular Icy Hot. Heat is my best friend, so I also use hot compresses a lot.



    1. It really is the best way to explain things!!! Ibuprofen used to be a game changer for me, until I saw my hematologist and learned I have a platelet secretion issue and taking ibuprofen could kill me in the off chance I was in an accident and lost a lot of blood. So, ya. 🙁

      I try to have hot baths and soak my feet. I also use run a535 stuff on my shoulders etc. that helps for a bit!


      1. Yeah, there is that whole bleeding problem thing… 🙁

        I’ll have to check out 535 Stuff. I can’t find it on Google. Maybe it’s a Canadian things. Damn you people. You have all the good stuff.

        I love hot baths. I haven’t had one in ages (we have a stand-up shower, no tub). Color me jealous.


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