Do you ever get tired? The heaviness that weighs in your heart and makes you just want to lay down and say “enough already”? Do you ever feel like giving up on something, even though it would hurt to do so? I feel that way right now. I can’t really explain why…those words are beyond me…but after putting so much effort in it to save someone for so long, when the realization hits that they don’t need or want your saving, that you can’t save them, the weight feels lifted and breathing is a little easier. Not by much, because it still lingers. Your first response to things is to try to help, to save, even when you know that you shouldn’t. So, where do we go from here? I don’t want to keep trying to save when I know that isn’t the answer.
I guess I just thought my voice would be heard, amongst the billions of others that weren’t heard. I guess I thought that I would somehow be the magical voice that got through, and when I didn’t either…when I became just another voice just adding my opinion “where it wasn’t wanted”…well. I don’t know. I don’t know what I was expecting.
I guess I felt like I would be the bad guy, if I stopped trying to help. You can only hear so much before you just want to rock in a corner with your ears covered humming songs so you can’t hear anymore. You can only speak so many times before your voice becomes hoarse and silent.
It just kills me because I hate feeling like the bad guy. The bad guy would leave, just like everyone else. The bad guy would “stop trying”, just like everyone else. But I just don’t know what’s needed anymore. How can you listen when you just don’t want to anymore? When it’s so exhausting that it takes away every ounce of happiness you had, when it makes you so pissed off to hear the same things over and over again with no action being taken, or with the wrong one being chosen? Just leave, the voice in your head whispers, and then shouts when it isn’t heard. Just leave. You know that it’s wrong, all of it, but it doesn’t matter because people cling to such twisted illusions until they are left.
And I’m definitely not talking about M and I. M and I are fantastic, M and I are meant to be. Last night we laid in bed and talked about this, among other things, about how hurt I was that I just couldn’t be this voice I wanted to be, that I couldn’t be the savoir. He told me “it’s not your responsibility to. It’s not your responsibility to even be there,“. He knows it’s not easy to stop trying, especially where blood is concerned, but he knows how much it hurts failing time and time again to get through. I won’t get through.
He hates seeing me torn apart. He hates seeing me angry about the situation. He hates that I get so anxious about it that it’s all I think about. But he sees things in a clarity I can’t because I’m not on the outside looking in, I’m at the frontline begging to be heard. Or I was. I don’t know anymore. Of course I still care, of course I want the absolute best and happiness and flowers and fantastic, magical things….but I cannot mold someone into the person I think they are capable of being. I cannot ask them to be something they aren’t, I cannot ask them to do something they aren’t ready to do…to face something they aren’t ready to face. I cannot live their life for them nor can I tell them what to do.
I just ask, see your worth, see that walking away doesn’t make you the bad guy, it just means you are standing up for yourself and your values. Walking away doesn’t mean you’re giving up on someone you love, it means you’re letting them live the way they want to live because it’s beyond your control. If you are the one settling, don’t expect people to understand why. Never settle for less than you’re worth, and know that you’re worth more.
This probably doesn’t make sense, but that’s okay. I needed to write it.