I’ve been trying to find the words to write this post for days, but it’s been difficult. Between the kids being sick, me being sick, and other family demands…I’m just feeling like I’m at the end of my rope.
The guilt for my past mistakes eats away at me, especially when I’m already feeling low. I tend to kick myself when I’m down and feed into the negative energy by thinking things like maybe if you had just stuck out college, then things would be easier now. I could get a job too, so that it wouldn’t feel like we were fighting a loosing battle. I’m not saying we don’t have enough to pay bills or buy groceries, we do, but extras aren’t happening despite our greatest efforts. Christmas ate everything, despite my budget setting.
It’s times like this where I look at other people that seem to have it all together and just feel like I’ve failed because I don’t have it all together. I know I’m doing an important job, parenting my kids, but I can’t help but beat myself up for not being able to do more than I am. What else do I do? What else can I do? I look at the moms who obviously parent full time and work full time or go to school full time, or the moms that don’t have to struggle because they’re better off financially and I just feel so small. Like a tiny grain of sand at a beach. Nobody talks about their struggles, nobody admits the hard stuff…not even me. I keep it [well, the majority of it] locked in out of respect. Sometimes [like now] it spills out and I write vague blog posts and then carry on with things.
Today was an emotional day. Lots of hard conversations with people about things that are weighing heavily on my heart, and tears barely shed because I hold it in til I can’t anymore.
Winter months are long and hard and cruel. I’m sure I wouldn’t be feeling quite so…depressed if we were able to get out every once in a while. Seems like we just get over an illness and before I can even plan a play date we’re hit with another. We haven’t done anything in weeks for this very reason, and N keeps crying about how much he misses his friends. I miss play dates too. I miss getting outta the house and seeing other people (well, I’ve seen family but you know what I mean).
This weekend, N had a fever and Aj has had a cold and has been teething for pretty much a week straight (it seems). N woke up feeling better and I was pretty stoked, but around dinner he was hit with diarrhea. I know, disgusting and descriptive and I’m sorry but I really don’t know what else to call it. So, another several days as that goes through our household.
I don’t have enough booze, patience, or Lysol wipes for this cold and flu season.