No Spoons

Yesterday was really hard for me. And not in the form of testy, not listening toddlers (although of course that happened too). I had no spoons thanks to our adventure in the snow the other day. M was up a lot with Aj in the night, so that I could get a good nights sleep. I tried my hardest to let him sleep uninterrupted but by 11am I was crying real tears and just unable to do anything at all.

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Along with this extremely bad pain day came a bad depressive day, because they walk hand in hand. There’s something about being unable to do anything at all without extreme pain that renders you feeling like a useless piece of crap. The mom-guilt was overwhelming too.

I couldn’t help but think that our life would be so much better if I didn’t have a chronic pain illness. If M didn’t have to help me out so much on days like yesterday. If I didn’t have to carefully consider how many “spoons” it would take to do fun activities with my kids (like go sledding).

Of course, I only have myself to blame. By now I should know my limits, and I do…but sometimes I ignore them. We’ve had so many crappy do-nothing days thanks to the weather (and, as a result, my pain levels) that I just had to do something fun. I had to show my boys that I can do fun things too. It was a poorly planned attempt at trying to be “normal” that left me completely useless the next day.

All day long, I cursed my own stupidity and “uselessness”. I couldn’t even carry Aj up to his crib for naptime. M had to do it all. I can’t imagine how exhausting that is but I’m thankful that it’s not every single day. I do have good days, and while the pain is always there my threshold is pretty high.

Today is another freezing rain, damp day so we’ll be spending yet another day inside. I’m sure the kids are not looking forward to it, but I think I’ve regained enough spoons to do some painting at least.

What I need to do is have a treasure chest full of fun activities that only gets brought out on days like yesterday. I just need to think of things to put in this treasure chest. Activities that the two of them can kind of do on their own (so this leaves out painting and most crafts). Any suggestions?

5 Comments


  1. Blocks! Or anything that works like blocks. You can get a whole bunch of books and have them both build a tower and knock it over. There are many household items that can be used as blocks.

    Oh and I totally understand about the pain. I sorry girl. I hope you have a better day today!

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  2. It’s so hard to not let our disorder “dictate” what we can and cannot do. Feel better. 🙂
    and yes blocks. . . even if you have a bunch of plastic or Styrofoam cups. . . anything they can build with.

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    1. They build lots already haha they have tons of mega blocks but maybe wooden blocks would be a fun change?

      And it IS hard. Sucks too!

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  3. (((hugs))) Sorry you’re having/had such a bad day(s). I think we all wonder/wish about what life would be like without the chronic pain. We imagine what we’d be able to do, what would be different, how much better it would be. And chances are? Yeah, it would be a hell of a lot easier on us. But you’re a great mom and wife – not despite your chronic illness, but because of it. You put so much more thought and energy into “making up for it” than most “normal” (I hate that word – how about typical?) moms and wives do. You strive for more and try harder because of it. We all ignore our limits (and pay for it) sometimes. It’s your stubborn side refusing to admit that you HAVE limits, lol!!! But I can tell you – my son remembers the days I didn’t get off the couch – barely. He remembers the good days so much more. And that’s what your boys will remember. So allow yourself some bad days – because you’re amazing on your good days. The boys will love the memories of days spent cuddling on the couch watching Finding Nemo (or whatever the latest kids obsession is) with mommy just as much as the trips to the park and sledding and all that. One thing that worked with my son? I kept a box (all decorated in stickers n stuff) of toys that were “special”. Lol – not a damn thing special about them, they were just a random assortment of dollar/thrift store finds that I CONVINCED him were special. The special toys only came out on really bad days. And since he didn’t get to see them often… well, sometimes psychology is helpful with little kids :).
    I read back some – but I can’t figure out what you’re talking about with the spoons :(!!!

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