Yesterday was really hard for me. And not in the form of testy, not listening toddlers (although of course that happened too). I had no spoons thanks to our adventure in the snow the other day. M was up a lot with Aj in the night, so that I could get a good nights sleep. I tried my hardest to let him sleep uninterrupted but by 11am I was crying real tears and just unable to do anything at all.
Along with this extremely bad pain day came a bad depressive day, because they walk hand in hand. There’s something about being unable to do anything at all without extreme pain that renders you feeling like a useless piece of crap. The mom-guilt was overwhelming too.
I couldn’t help but think that our life would be so much better if I didn’t have a chronic pain illness. If M didn’t have to help me out so much on days like yesterday. If I didn’t have to carefully consider how many “spoons” it would take to do fun activities with my kids (like go sledding).
Of course, I only have myself to blame. By now I should know my limits, and I do…but sometimes I ignore them. We’ve had so many crappy do-nothing days thanks to the weather (and, as a result, my pain levels) that I just had to do something fun. I had to show my boys that I can do fun things too. It was a poorly planned attempt at trying to be “normal” that left me completely useless the next day.
All day long, I cursed my own stupidity and “uselessness”. I couldn’t even carry Aj up to his crib for naptime. M had to do it all. I can’t imagine how exhausting that is but I’m thankful that it’s not every single day. I do have good days, and while the pain is always there my threshold is pretty high.
Today is another freezing rain, damp day so we’ll be spending yet another day inside. I’m sure the kids are not looking forward to it, but I think I’ve regained enough spoons to do some painting at least.
What I need to do is have a treasure chest full of fun activities that only gets brought out on days like yesterday. I just need to think of things to put in this treasure chest. Activities that the two of them can kind of do on their own (so this leaves out painting and most crafts). Any suggestions?