Four.

My dearest N;

I cannot believe that you are already four. It feels like just yesterday that I was on my way to my 37th gestational week OB check up. It feels like just yesterday that I was not so patiently waiting for an ultrasound to determine if you were still breech in my belly, to then decide what day the c-section would be if you were, or if I’d be having you naturally. I felt my first pangs in that hallway. I knew something was up. I kept telling my mom (your grandma) something was up, but she figured I was just having Braxton hicks contractions.

Low and behold, the ultrasound showed that you were still breech. And that I had lost a lot of amniotic fluid. The OB determined it would be best to do the c-section that night, so away I went to the hospital to get registered and wait for your daddy to join us.

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It was surreal, waiting for the c-section. I suppose I was still in disbelief. I couldn’t believe you were finally coming, that I’d finally get to hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet little cheeks.

But you came, that night. I cried seeing your daddy’s face as he gazed upon yours for the first time.

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I didn’t know love could come so intensely and so suddenly, but it can, and it does. One day you’ll know that love, when you gaze upon your own children’s faces when you have them.

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All this happened four years ago, and my love for you has only grown with you. You are such a remarkable boy N, so full of light and wonder. You remind me very much of myself: you are a constant story teller, you use your imagination without limitations. In your eyes, everyone is a friend, everyone is kind and good and wonderful. You love everybody, you embrace everybody. I hope that doesn’t change, ever. I hope you always embrace everyone, I hope you always see the kindness and good in everyone. This world needs that, this world needs you.

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Happy Birthday, dearest N. May this year be just as wonderful as last year, and may your birthday wishes come true…now and forever.

Love always,
Mama

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