First & Foremost

I had to retract my offer to help out a family member at this time. I felt guilty, but with all the turmoil in our lives right now…and with how little money we have at the moment (see: none at all, not until the 16th), it just wasn’t a feasible idea. I felt guilty, but it had to happen.

Maybe it was a little (ok, a lot) selfish, but when it comes to your own family, your own husband and children, you need to be selfish. You need to put their needs first. We don’t have enough groceries and emotionally, our house can’t be opened up. We are dealing with so much stress and bullshit that adding more people into the mix would just not be a good idea. I felt it in my bones and in my heart.

Certain people (I won’t say who, but it wasn’t that family member. They said they understood) laid on the guilt after finding out, and I felt guilty (which was the point) but also angry. If a situation changes and someone can’t help you out, don’t make them feel bad. Nobody owes you help. You can ask, they can even agree but then if a situation changes and they can no longer help, that’s got to be it. You shouldn’t try and guilt them into something they can’t do for whatever reason.

Another thing you should never do, in addition to guilting someone, is shame their spouse to them. The thing is, Matt doesn’t have to put my family first. He has to put our family first, ourselves and our children. It’s not that he randomly decided to go back on our word, it’s that our situation changed drastically for the worse. Like, worse than usual. Sure, he wasn’t all for this idea to begin with but usually Matt goes along with whatever I decide to make me happy. Not in this case, not when we both knew it just wasn’t possible at this time.

If your husband is uncomfortable with a situation and says so, you listen. No if, ands, and buts. How livid would you be if your husband ignored your say, and forced you into a situation you were uncomfortable with? You’d be livid. He’d be a mega asshole, wouldn’t he? It goes both ways.

In the past, when it comes to my family, I have ignored Matt’s say in things because I felt I had to do something on behalf of my family. For years, Matt has felt like he doesn’t come first to my family. I never even realized his feelings until he blatantly told me. He felt like, any time someone said something negative about him, I’d lay down and take it.

The sad thing is, I would. I’d quietly listen to people (and not just in my family) accusing Matt of being lazy and unsupportive of us financially, when in reality he is job searching up a storm, applying for unions, and working whatever jobs offered to him to bring in some extra dough. Even with his rib cage causing him pain. Yes, he took off a couple of days of a job, and we lost that income (which is why we are drastically feeling it right now), but that was to get chest X-rays and go to the doctors. That’s not being lazy, that’s being proactive in his own health so he can, you know, not drop dead on a roof. I’d rather take a hit financially than have him not investigate something causing him pain directly near his heart.

Even if I didn’t believe the things they were saying, I wouldn’t rise to his defence like I should have.

I’ve never had to experience that. Matt has always put me first, and the kids. Matt has always risen to my defence, even almost coming to blows with his own family when they verbally lashed out at me or made me feel bad in any way. But there I was…not putting him first, not rising to his defence by telling people who were saying not so nice things about him to back off.

Upon my concious discovery of that, I decided to change it. Matt is my number one, he is my husband. He is the father of my children.

So, I may have been short and rude with these certain people when I blatantly told them to stop, and so be it. If that’s what it takes.

I love everyone involved, and I’ll probably deal with the backlash for writing this (as I usually do when I share my side of things), but I don’t care. I used to tell people “If you don’t like how I’m writing you, you’re probably doing something wrong. I write what I see. If I see you being an asshole and write you as such, you’re probably being an asshole.” If my words hurt feelings, I apologize. But the words that invoked this post hurt my feelings, and such is life.

This is my blog, my truth. Life as I see it. I’m so tired of people telling me not to share my feelings and thoughts because they may get other people’s knickers in a knot. I’m unable to verbally express myself to most people, this is my outlet. It’s a great way to see where I’m coming from in a situation. It’s where I grow, where I reflect change. There is a lot of change here, right now. Change in how I am realizing how to balance being a wife and mother and the rest of it. Change in how I place Matt in all of this. Change in how I place myself.

Anyways. The moral of the story is, there is no shame in putting your nuclear family first, and there should never ever be any shame in it.

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  1. You did the “right” thing for you and your family and that’s what matters. Everything else is fairy dust and will fade into oblivion.

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  2. We struggle with this, too. Sometimes, certain family members forget that you and your spouse are a family, and have to put that family first. You have to do what’s best for you—even if that means that someone else doesn’t get their way.

    Oh, let me count the ways I can relate to your posts lately! I hope things get better. xo

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    1. Very true Liz! And our lives are usually almost parallel 😉

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  3. It takes some people years to figure this out. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Putting your husband first will help strengthen and solidify your marriage. The rest of the family may not understand or like it but they don’t have to. They can support your decisions and trust that you would help them if you could. If they don’t believe that you’re no longer in a position to help them, then how much would you want to sacrifice for someone who doesn’t believe you?! Circumstances change in life and your household is going through its own rough time. Charity begins at home. That’s been my motto. I take it literally.

    Reply

    1. Thank You!

      That’s a good motto! I have heard it before (or a variation of it) and try to repeat it to myself daily when stuff like this happens.

      Reply

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