Interview Crasher

I just got in from the interview.

I’ve realized something. I suck at interviews, I’m terrible at first impressions, and I probably should never leave the house again.

I had to wait outside the building, as the door was locked, for half an hour. When someone let me in, I was super awkward with him. I cut him off, almost walked into the door, and fumbled the handshake thing. I also jumped a mile when he went to check out my calf tattoo because I thought he was staring at my butt (and yes, I didn’t cover them. Why bother? They’re on me, for life). Then he complimented it, and I realized I was being a total dork.

Luckily, he wasn’t doing the interview. He told me to go on up, to the first room on my right.

So, I did. I walked right into the room, gave my most winning smile, shook the guy’s hand and the girl’s hand and introduced myself, and sat down. The guy started to talk a little bit about the company, and then said “I don’t mean to be rude but…do you mind letting us finish the interview?”

I looked blankly at him, still smiling like a ditz. “The…interview?” I was confused. Did he mean they wanted to discuss me without me there? So soon?

Suddenly, I clued in. Around the same time he said, “yes, we were just finishing up here.”

The girl was being interviewed, not interviewing.

I turned to the girl, trying not to show how horrified and embarrassed I felt. “I am so sorry, I thought you were part of the interviewing team!”

She laughed and said it was alright, and the actual guy doing the interview showed me to a place where I could wait.

I gave myself a little pep talk, reassuring myself that it wasn’t that bad.

Or at least, not as bad as my almost infamous Blockbusters interview, where I dropped the full out “f” bomb. Twice.

But that wasn’t my fault, not really anyway. I was nervous, and it was a massive group interview and one of the questions was “quote a line from a movie. Any movie, any line“. I asked them if language mattered, and they laughed and said no. In hindsight, they probably thought I was asking if I could quote a movie in French or German.

But, I only speak English. English and Samuel L. Jackson, which is kind of like English only much better. When my turn came, I cleared my throat importantly and said; “get these mother fucking snakes off this mother fucking plane!” in my best Samuel L. Jackson voice.

I’ll never forget the look on, well, everybody’s face. Stunned into silence. My sister, Kate (who was interviewing with me at the same time) looked mortified. I was going for laughter. Needless to say, I didn’t get a call back. Can’t win them all I guess…

So I calmed my nerves by reminding myself about that interview. And it worked, sort of.

The rest if the interview was uneventful, and, in my opinion, fairly good.

I learned a bit more about the job, and…well. I don’t know. It’d pretty much be me calling people and trying to get their business. I’d have better luck running a phone sex line, and I suck at talking dirty.

I’d be the guy in this equation.

If by some stroke of insanity, I’m offered this job…I won’t be taking it. I’m just not feeling it, you know? I don’t know how I’d find new clients. I mean, I suck at selling things and I’m incredibly awkward at phone conversations.

Here are a few examples of how it would likely go:

1) Me: Hello there! I am with [company name] and I’m wondering —
Them: *immediately hangs up*.
Me: *wailing dramatically* No one wants to talk to me!

2) Me: Do you want [company’s name] to [provide service] for you?
Them: No.
Me: Ok cool. Sorry for bothering you I’ll never darken your doorstep again. Figuratively speaking, I mean, since this is a telephone conversation.
Them: …..
Me: …..

I mean, it’d be cool to work from home but…this just doesn’t feel right.

Besides, the girl who’s interview I crashed seemed so much more experienced. And nicer. And more together. She had a firm handshake, and a lovely smile.

Alas. Another mortifying interview experience to add to my pile.

No Comments

  1. Ha ha ha! That’s so awkward! I would have thought the girl was part of the interviewing team too! It’s weird that the guy was like “I don’t mean to be rude but…” because any logical person (as you are) would assume that she was an interviewer. That’s hilarious.

    “I don’t mean to darken your doorstep.” I love it!

    I hate selling things. But I actually love to talking to people over the phone.

    Samuel L. Jackson is an in demand language you know?


    1. It was totally awkward. Totally.

      I really suck at interviews. I so not shine, and if I stand out its in a bad way lol.


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