Pain so great, it threatens to swallow me whole every time I stand to put one foot in front of the other. I’ve persevered.
When my body has felt too exhausted, too wary and sore to move another inch, and I’ve literally spilled tears every time I’ve had to force myself out of bed to deal with night time wake ups after a day of being on my aching feet. I’ve persevered.
I thought I had failed this week, I did. My patience has been shot, my pain so great it clouds everything in my mind and makes me snippy and sucks every last bit of energy from me. But…I’ve persevered. I’m still here, I’m still pushing through the sea of pain and dealing with the things I have to deal with, long after I thought I should collapse.
I was weighing the things I didn’t do, or didn’t do enough, too heavily in my mind. I haven’t been weighing the things I did do. I haven’t been acknowledging the simple truth that I am persevering.
One foot in front of the other. One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
I’ve been feeling guilty about not being able to take the kids to the park this week, or the dog for a walk. I haven’t been giving myself enough credit. I haven’t been patting myself on the back and saying, you’re making it. You’re getting through these days, despite the pain you’re in.
Sure, I haven’t gotten the house packed yet, but I’ve continued on when I honestly thought, at 3am in the morning as I struggled to hold a freaking out toddler in my weak aching arms, that I couldn’t do it all anymore. I’ve persevered. I’ve had to, but I did it. It’s exhausting, but I did it…but I’m doing it.
To many people, this past week may not seem like such a challenge. My husband is laid up, but that’s not a big deal. Many people are single parents and do this all the time. Many people may be able to, it may be incredibly exhausting and wearing on their patience, but when you couple that with your own very high chronic pain issues, with nothing to take for it because all the doctors want to prescribe is drugs like percocets, which are highly addictive and not a solution I wish to choose, well. It’s a bit more of a challenge.
My every day has been a challenge. The simplest things like getting up out of bed, getting the kids downstairs for breakfast, getting everyone dressed, doing basic cleaning, have worn me, pained me. Challenged me. But…I’ve persevered.
I did fairly good, considering we weren’t expecting this, considering we don’t have enough help. We have some…but not enough. Not the help that Matt gives when he’s healthy.
But I, we, have persevered.
I didn’t even realize just how much discipline I’ve had the past week, to simply force myself through it and persevere, until I read this post. It was a light in the dark world of negativity.
With great discipline, I’ve persevered and I will continue to do so.