It’s no easy thing, seeing the person that you love in huge amounts of pain after a surgery, scarcely able to move. Taking on all of the things that your spouse usually does, as well as the things that you usually do, as well as taking care of your spouse while they are recovering from surgery…that’s hard shit. It’s tough. And most of the time, it isn’t pretty for anybody.
In the time that Matt and I have been together, I have had three MHE related surgeries and two c-sections. All five operations took several weeks of healing, and I can’t imagine it was easy for Matt to see me in pain.
I had a little taste of it, when he had his accident at work. It was terrifying, and it emotionally hurt me to see him physically hurting. Plus, it was stressful as all hell. I barely had any time to process the accident.
Anyways, the point is…I know how hard it is…and I also know something else…
I’ve been leaning too heavily on him, and not allowing him to have a safe place to come to when things get too much for him.
Obviously, things will seem too much at times for him. He’s dealing with the boys constantly, trying to manage the house, do all the things I usually do plus all the things he usually does, and make sure that I don’t push myself.
I forgot how hard that is. I forgot how exhausting it is to be the only one cooking meals, cleaning up, taking care of kids, separating fights, running baths, and putting kids to bed…especially when both those kids are struggling right now.
Kids feel change. They feel stress. Nolan especially. He has regressed with potty training again, ever since my surgery. I knew it would happen…I knew seeing me in pain and seeing me laid up would cause him to regress. I’m not really sure why…maybe it feels too big for him, maybe he worries so much that it just messes with his bowels. I don’t know…I’m not in his head. I’ve tried talking to him, telling him it’s okay, that I’m okay. I know it’ll take time for him to level out again, and I know that it’s hard to deal with that. Nolan’s been great on the toilet for months.
I can’t really do a whole lot to help lessen Matt’s load. I am only just getting a little more mobile, a little more self-reliant. I’m not ready to tackle the boys completely by myself.
So, this morning I called in the reinforcements after seeing and hearing exactly how rough a night Matt had. Nolan was up four or five times having nightmares, and Archer was up three times. Matt literally got two hours of sleep.
I’m thankful that my dad was able to take the boys off our hands for several hours today. Matt got a good, solid chunk of uninterrupted sleep in, and I got to work on my new novel (the sequel to Collide). Matt woke up feeling refreshed and rested.
Truthfully, I’m completely impatient with this healing process. I just don’t have time to take it easy. I see all the things that I need to do and feel that sense of panic! But I’m forcing myself to take it easy and not rush my healing, especially not with Matt heading out to Regina in April.
Yes, you read that right. Matt got offered a really great job in Regina, he will be leaving April 1st for the entire month of April.
Yes, you read that right. In answer to the questions undoubtedly running through
my your mind, I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to make it that long, or if I’ll be pain free (from the surgery) by then. Basically, I’m just going to wing it, because this is a great opportunity for Matt and for our family.
Guess I should start stocking up on wine and chocolate now…