There are a lot of hard, dark parts that most people avoid casually talking about. Parts about themselves, about their lives. We humans, as a collective whole, like to “put our best foot forward”. I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard that advice.
Put your best foot forward. Don’t talk about your struggles. Don’t talk about the things that aren’t so pretty and lovely. Why do you share these things with strangers? Why don’t you keep it to yourself?
I write [most of] the dark parts here, in this space, because it’s where I feel most comfortable. This is the space that I have made for myself, an extension of my mind when my actual mind is too cluttered. I can come here, pour out some words from my soul, and feel less burdened. Less cluttered.
I flutter between the knowledge that this is my story to share. Or at least, my version of the story. There are so many versions of every story, from each persons’ perspective. I rather like reading them all, seeing what that person was feeling or thinking in that situation.
I used to be bullied into silence, mainly by myself. Put your best foot forward, this isn’t your best foot. What would people think? I let those fears guide me.
I’m speaking my own truth now, or trying to. I’m being open about my own personal struggles, how people or situations make me feel. I realize I tick differently than those around me. There is no harm in that, but there’s beauty. There’s comfort in the knowledge that not everything has to be perfect and neat and tidy. Things are complex. People are complex.
I’m learning to love myself, love the way that I think. I’m learning to see the beauty in the broken pieces that make me more…me. Each life event has carved out me a little more. I like to imagine that we start out life as large blocks, and each event or situation or person adds to the carving of who we are. We end life a masterpiece, and each masterpiece is different and unique.