There are two days until Matt leaves for a month. I can’t express how much I’m going to miss his company, his presence in the house we share. I can’t express how much I am going to miss having his arms around me while we sleep. Along with those feelings, I’m both equal parts of terrified and relieved.
I’m terrified because of the idea of solo parenting for a solid month. In our parenting journey, Matt has always been here, doing 50% of the work…and, at times, a lot more. I don’t know how single parents of multiple children do it. It seems almost impossible, terrifying even. I know that I will deal, because I’ll have no other choice….but still.
I’m relieved because it’s a great job and we need this opportunity as a family to thrive. Oh, do we ever.
It wouldn’t be too terrible if things on an average day would go smoothly with both of us here. Then I wouldn’t feel so…terrified…of solo parenting. But we lucked out and both of our children are a handful. Nolan is still giving us hell when it comes to pooping on the toilet, and I’m so exhausted of that battle…at five, I thought these days would be over. I know they say not to compare, but we’ve tried everything and he still fights us tooth and nail. I don’t get it. It’s only going to get worse when Matt’s gone, because it always does when Nolan feels emotional for any reason. He is like me, deeply affected by his surroundings and life circumstances. He is anxious because we’ve been anxious. I’m sure his dad going away will create a whole avalanche of emotion and turmoil that will coincide with more toilet drama. I need the emotional strength to deal with all that, and at times…I’m afraid it’s not there.
As for Archer, he’s your average two year old. He’s fast and he throws temper tantrums. Normally, that’s easy to handle…but when both of them are throwing temper tantrums (as often happens when we say it’s time to leave a fun place), it’s all I can do to not sit down and throw my own tantrum, tears and screaming included.
I often feel like I’m failing at this parenting thing, even with Matt by my side, telling me I’m not and taking over when I need a much needed break. The prospect of losing that much needed break is definitely causing anxiety and turmoil within me, which is why I’m actively working to suppress it all. I can’t have Matt worrying when he’s gone, being distracted on his job.
It’s mainly me. Resting on my [frequent] bad pain days will no longer happen. I’ll be doing all of everything. I’m worried I won’t be able to handle, well…any of it. But I have to, somehow. We need this job if we ever want to get ahead. If we want a better life. I don’t want to be the one that stands in the way, like I always seem to do.
One question that I’ve been getting a lot lately is; “how will you do this?” I hate this question because I don’t know the answer. All I can say is; “I don’t know. I’ll be okay,” because I know I will be okay. I will survive…other people I know have faced more difficult situations and struggles and come out of it okay. I feel almost petty, confessing all this…but I needed to stop suppressing and denying my feelings, if not for a short amount of time.