Today has been an…interesting day.
I emphasized the word “interesting”, because I mean it’s difficult but I somehow feel…less…to confess that.
But…it is difficult. Very difficult. I have been trying to keep myself busy and distracted…but the thoughts seep in and then it gets harder to breathe.
For one…I’m tired of being a jungle gym. Why is it that when you really need the personal space, your children will crawl all over you and cling to you like leeches? Refusing to give way on their hold of your skin? The whining, the refusal to listen to me, the continous climbing all over me, invading the personal space I desperately need. It’s maddening. It’s fraying my already chipped away nerves, making me even more irritable, like a caged animal frothing at the mouth.
Today is also May 31st. The day Matt was intending on coming home. The day I circled on our calendar so we could mark off the days that passed. Only…he isn’t coming home for another sixteen days.
So, it feels harder to breathe today. So many things scraping against my aching, tired heart. Distance. Noise. No peace and no ability to lose myself completely in distractions because I cannot. I am too irritable, too impatient to take the kids anywhere today. I know it might make me feel better, but I’m in that pit. That rut you sometimes fall into, when you know something may improve your move but you just don’t have it in you to do it. It’s the time and place where you want to shut your eyes, just for a while. The time and place where you desperately wish to lie down and let the darkness surround you. If only for a little bit.
Don’t get too concerned, I’m simply describing a nap here, a nap I desperately wish to take.
I can’t give in though, because I have responsiblities and things to do. Truthfully, I am almost bitter about them. It takes a selfless person to give up their desire to crawl into themselves and retreat without any resentment. I just want to rest for a bit, you know? I just want quiet and calmness. I want sleep to take away the dull ache of distance and the constant pressure of being all and everything while he’s away.
Sixteen more days.