I’m Not Letting This Break Me by Katy Nicole
Struggling is something that I’ve reluctantly grown accustomed to; I struggle on a daily basis. Unfortunately, it seems to be the nature of the beast when it comes to having a mental illness.
I had a day recently where I was struggling immensely. I was fighting just to do the simplest of tasks. Getting dressed that day was a huge victory. And getting through the time-sensitive admin work I had to do for a neighbor was tough. It took so much more focusing than it usually would have to get it done, despite the fact that it wasn’t difficult. I wasn’t in my right mind space. It’s like there was a dense fog in my brain and I could barely see three feet in front of my face.
I made a video that was posted on the Stigma Fighters YouTube channel about the struggle I was going through. It was not an easy video to make because I really don’t like letting people see me cry. However, I knew that what I was saying needed to be said. I was fighting my absolute hardest to get anything I could done, and I wanted people to know that I hadn’t given up even though it probably seemed like I had.
There wasn’t really anything specific that I did to overcome that day, I just refused to give up. It was nothing but a bad day without a reason. I blamed DST (losing an hour – stupid spring forward…) and the crappy, dreary weather that day.
Then there is my struggle to find the right medication for my bipolar II diagnosis. I have found one that seems to be working so far, and I’m thankful for that. But I’m also starting to think that I may need to talk to my doctor about adding something else in for anxiety. Recent situations have shown me how difficult not having answers is.
I was taking a trip to the aquarium with a few friends for a school project. We didn’t know if we were going to drive up there, or if we would have to take the train. Despite asking multiple times a day, all week long, I was forced to wait until the night before the trip to get an answer. While I was waiting, I was constantly on edge because I didn’t know if I was going to have to figure out another city’s public transit system in order to get to the aquarium.
In the end, I got the answers I needed. The trip to the aquarium happened and that part of the project was done. So I guess I could say “mission accomplished” but I don’t feel like that’s appropriate here. Yes, I did make the trip as planned, but things did not go according to plan – because there wasn’t one in place for very long.
There’s really not anything I can say about how I got through the struggle, besides the obvious – I did what I had to. I mean, I distracted myself as best I could by reading books to try and keep my mind off of the ever-increasing panic of missing answers because it was practically an obsession for me. There were times that I called a couple friends and cried over the situation because it was frustrating me so severely.
Bio: Katy is a college student studying American Sign Language. She works for Stigma Fighters, the non-profit organization. She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She is also grieving the loss of her daughter who was adopted out. In her free time she can be found making coffee, reading books, watching tv shows/movies on Netflix, writing, and dreaming about future tattoos. Visit Katy on her blog and Facebook.