At the risk of sounding like a broken record; I’ve been going through a rough time lately. Emotionally, spiritually, physically…I’m just spent.
The winter months are usually tremendously difficult for me. The bitter cold makes my pain days even worse than they typically are. That along with the lack of vitamin D and the boredom that comes from having to stay inside almost all the time (because, again…the cold pumps up my pain level like you wouldn’t believe, so I don’t go out in that crap unless I absolutely have to); it’s no wonder I’m basically a mess during the months of winter.
Unfortunately, winter tends to stick around for a long time, especially in Canada. I’m aware that there are a lot of places that are significantly colder than Ontario, but frankly: I don’t care. I don’t live in those places, I live in Ontario. The weather in Ontario affects me. I already know that I would really not do well in Alaska, or anywhere colder than Ontario.
I’ve been struggling a lot lately, mainly with myself. But my depression, my pain and my despair over dealing with that does tend to spill over in other aspects of my life. Why wouldn’t it? That shit affects you, and in turn…it affects everything around you. I can try my hardest to make sure that doesn’t happen, but that isn’t always the case.
So if I have offended you or let you down in the last little while; I’m sorry. It’s really difficult to see past the numbing blinders I put on myself to try and ignore all the physical pain. I know that doesn’t make any sense, and it’s difficult for those around me to understand. You pretty much won’t understand what I’m talking about when I say “numbing blinders” unless you have a chronic pain disorder and use them, though. Maybe one day, when I have the space in my head, I’ll try and explain all that…but right now, my brain is foggy and my heart is heavy.
It’s no easy thing for me to admit, or at least…it wasn’t in the past. I’m being more open about this shit though, because why should I keep quiet? Am I weaker for admitting I can’t always bear what’s thrown at me? Am I weaker for saying hey, this fucking sucks? No, I don’t think so. I still cling to positive thoughts and feelings as much as I can, but I know it’s okay to admit that sometimes that doesn’t come easily. In fact, it’s damn hard…especially right now.
On these days; I force myself to step away, get lost in a book, and devour way too many coffees. Maybe even have a nap. I also tell myself that it’s okay to feel the way I feel, because it is.
I just need to remember that winter doesn’t last forever.