I try avoid thinking about my fears, about all those things that scare me. I try to avoid it because I have a lot of fears. Silly fears that seem so small and yet make my adrenaline spike with terror, bigger fears that overwhelm me in their vastness.
I’m afraid of spiders. If I see a spider, I scream and run for the hills. I can not embrace the whole “they’re more afraid of you than you are of them” mindset because bullshit. I’ve never seen a spider throw up its arms in terror and run screaming from a room after spotting me. If anything, they run at you like an angry little vicious chihuahua with a small dog complex. I’m also afraid of other bugs – ticks, those nasty little silver fish things. I’m cool with butterflies, less cool with bees (but I’m not like, afraid of them afraid of them), and I hate wasps. Wasps are like the gang runners of bugs. They’re ruthless, they stalk you and they sting you just because they can do it and live. Bees are less likely to sting because they know they won’t survive it; wasps are terrifying because they literally give no fucks.
I’m of driving. Actually, scratch that. The driving part isn’t the issue – I’m actually a very good driver and I love going for drives. I’m more afraid of other drivers. They are shifty and you never know when they’re going to do something dangerous, like suddenly veer into your lane and make you go off the shoulder. I’m afraid of snow because that means more idiot drivers who can veer suddenly into your lane and drive you off the road. I absolutely, flat out refuse to drive in busy, large cities (like Toronto, I will never get behind a wheel in Toronto).
Sudden, loud noises scare me, and a million other tiny things that I’m probably over looking (or, you know, flat out ignoring because I don’t want to appear like too much of a wuss).
Then there are the things that are completely out of my control. I can control being around those other things (and by “control”, I mean I can run away fairly fast in those instances), but I can’t really control my fears of losing those I care about.
I also fear waking up one day and realizing that I’ve done nothing for myself, that I haven’t chased any of my dreams or done any of the things that I wanted to do. I fear waking up and regretting things, things that I didn’t do because I let excuses and fear get in the way.
But the thing about fear is…it’ll always be there. There’s always going to be that one thing (or, you know, multiple things) that make our blood run cold with terror. But if you spend all your time thinking about all your fears, that terror is never going to fade. You have to push yourself past it, you have to close your eyes tightly and pretend that the outhouse you need to use really doesn’t have spider nests everywhere and just go, you know?