Change is hard to pull off, you know? We’re always talking about things that we want to change about ourselves. Our diet, our gym routine (or lack thereof), our addiction to ice cream and crappy reality TV…but achieving change is so much harder than just talking about achieving change.
I always say things like “I’m going to stop being so sensitive because I’m sick and tired of hurting over people when they don’t care or even realize that they’ve hurt me.” But saying that is basically the most I can do – because sensitivity is in my blood. I am sensitive, and that’s not a bad thing.
I’ve realized that most of the things we want to change about ourselves are just things that society tells us to change. Society has all these ideals for people to live up to, and when someone isn’t living up to those ideals…we rush to tell them all the ways that they can improve themselves.
But telling someone to change is pointless, because change is hard and it has to be something you want to do, something you actively try to do.
It’s like me and the whole “being sensitive” thing; I’ve been told my whole live by everyone that being sensitive is bad and I need to change it, I need to stop letting people affect me so greatly. I need to stop taking things so personal.
Not once did I have these thoughts for me, except for a tiny justification of that “need” to change; things would be easier if I wasn’t so sensitive. It’s true, things would be easier…but that doesn’t mean they’d be better. If I changed that piece about myself to please everyone else; I’d be no happier for it. I’d just be less sensitive and likely, more disconnected.
When I try to let things “roll off my shoulder”, it really means that I’m just disconnecting from it. Which isn’t good. How can disconnecting from anything be a positive thing? You are avoiding your feelings. You are disconnecting from them, just so you don’t have to “feel” them, just so you can live up to this ridiculous mold of what a person “should be”.
That’s when I realized that I don’t want to change the fact that I am sensitive. I would like to change how I express those issues. When someone hurts my feelings (whether they mean to or not), I want to change how I handle it. Instead of disconnecting and burying my head in the sand, I want to be able to straight up tell them how it is and not be bullied into believing that my sensitivity is the problem.
The problem is that people suck at accepting responsibility for things, especially things like hurting someone’s feelings with careless words and actions, or inaction. People are terrible at apologizing with meaning, and worse at accepting apologizes.
I’m working on the accepting apologizes bit; I know I’m terrible for that. My wounds go deep, and forgiveness isn’t easy for me. At least not the kind of forgiveness that you actively feel, you know? But I’m trying. It’s a fault that I am aware of in myself.
That’s a change I want to make for myself, and that’s a change I work at every single day. Feeling at peace with myself, with who I am, what I’ve been through, and what I’ve done and accomplished in life.