Do you ever feel as if you’re choking on your own thoughts and emotions? Like you really want to explain yourself, only the words don’t come freely? Maybe it’s because whoever you’re trying to talk to just isn’t listening – they aren’t hearing you. They aren’t hearing you because they are so focused on their own thoughts and emotions, their own representation of that situation. Maybe they aren’t hearing you because they just don’t want to – maybe they don’t think that you’re right and that means that they don’t have to listen to you try and explain yourself, because you’re wrong anyway.
Or maybe that’s all in your head, but that doesn’t matter because you still feel like whatever you have to say just isn’t important or valid, you still feel like you can’t speak. What’s the point? You wonder. Nobody cares anyway. It doesn’t matter what I say. I’ll never be good enough, I’ll never get it right. Why bother trying?
But a part of you knows that’s just the mental illness talking, but it’s not just the mental illness because it’s still debilitating. It’s still crippling. You still can’t speak even if you acknowledge that it’s the mental illness speaking.
Some people go together like oil and water. They just don’t mix. Sometimes, trying to talk to them wields a result similar to bleach and ammonia.
I have a difficult time confessing my feelings to certain people, to people that I feel at odds with. It goes back to having scars on my heart. I internalize everything, and I literally mean everything. I’m not sure if I do this because of insecurity, depression, anxiety, my personality, or all of the above but it happens. I want to make things better, but I don’t know where to start because every time I try to open my mouth to speak; nothing comes out. I am bullied into silence, bullied into feeling as if my feelings are less important, less valid.
But they are important; they are valid. All I wanted to say was…
I hurt too. I feel forgotten, cast aside, less important than everyone else. I feel as if I will never be good enough in your eyes. I feel as if you’ve dubbed me the fuck up, the one that just doesn’t have a clue. I have a clue – I’m aware of my failings, I’m aware of all of the ways I’ve let you down. You’ve been pretty vocal about it. I love you and I’m not good enough, I love you and I’m sorry for letting you down all the ways I’ve let you down – but you’ve let me down too, you’ve hurt me too. You’ve made me feel like I’m not worthy, not favored. You’ve made me feel as if my life choices were terrible marks against you. It makes it harder for me to look you in the eyes because I just feel like I’m constantly letting you down, and I don’t want to let you down.
I hurt too.