There is a persistent, deep ache in my heart and my bones, an ache that I have been doing my best to ignore. I’ve been ignoring it because I can’t explain it adequately, at least not with spoken words.
It’s almost laughable, my inability to give voice to the words I can so freely think and write. It’s like the words get lodged in my throat when I go to speak them, to explain myself or my thoughts. There is an invisible force, a barrier, that traps my words between my brain and my lips.
Silent tears are the worst. They are the kind of tears that stream down onto your pillow, seeping like blood from the deepest of wounds in your heart, but you can’t find your voice. The words get caught in your throat, and you choke on their thickness.
This is the kind of ache you can’t speak about because words will not encompass the vast hollowness, the endless void that you can feel in your spine. It’s almost like someone took a hole puncher to your heart and nicked your spinal cord too.
It’s depression, and it makes no sense. It isn’t rational. There is no “reason” why I feel this way. Some people fall into spells of depression when they are stressed or something traumatic has happened. I’m not really sure what my deal is. I could be stressed, I suppose.
The worst part is feeling isolated, as if nobody truly cares about what you’re experiencing so you don’t tell them. You stay silent because you feel that it wouldn’t make a difference if you were to try and explain it, anyway. Each and every little perceived slight piles on, tipping the scale more in darkness’s favor, in silence’s favor.
I try to chase away the thoughts of darkness with positive things, but it doesn’t always work that way. You can’t always keep that positive flame glowing. Sometimes, you’re the one that extinguishes it. Maybe you didn’t mean to, but it happens and it takes some time to bring the light to life again. Sometimes, someone else does it. They don’t mean to either, maybe it’s a small comment that they never even imagined would cut you so deep, but it doesn’t feel so small to you and it’s actually the “straw that breaks the camels back”.
When this happens, especially to me, I have to pull away. I have to recharge and breathe life into the flame that’s been put out. I need time and understanding and empathy. I have to take time for myself. I need to center my thoughts and try to breathe through the weight of this darkness.
So bear with me, or at least be considerate of the extra pressures you place on my overwhelming shoulders.