Today has been equal parts crummy and awesome. On the awesome list: I made a major dent in my Christmas shopping, thanks to one amazing friend with an Amazon Prime account. By Wednesday, I’ll be able to officially cross 4 people off my list.
On the not-so-awesome list: I was up early this morning suffering from symptoms of food poisoning and I’ve felt woozy all day. My foot is still hurting something fierce and I’m still limited with my mobility.
And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of sitting on the couch. I’m tired of having other people do the things I usually do. I’m tired of not being able to walk around my house freely.
It’s funny…when I’m not recovering from surgery, when I’m just regular old me…I still have bad pain days. The difference is that I am able to endure. I am able to push my way past it to at least do the bare minimum. Maybe I don’t clean the house as much during those high pain days, but I’m always able to care for my children alone.
But when I am recovering from an invasive operation, when I’m not able to even do the bare minimum — when I can’t get my kids off to school in the morning or pick them up from the bus — I actually miss my regular old bad pain days.
Rest assured you won’t catch me saying that when I’m going through them — those days are hard. It’s challenging and frustrating to only do the bare minimum, but right now…I long for it.
It’s been a long day, a long past few weeks, and the loneliness is seeping in, pulsing to the same beat of the pain. I’m bored. I’m boring. I can’t do much. It exhausts me to do things. The pain clogs my brain and makes conversations difficult to hold.
I feel like I’m complaining too much. Unfortunately, it’s common. The recovery process is long and sometimes, it brings along a heavy bout of depression…just to spice things up a little.
It’s hard now, the days are heavy and I feel heavy too…but it will get easier. The days will get lighter, and I’ll feel lighter too.