Whenever someone goes through a particularly rough breakup, the advice one of their friend’s usually gives them is; “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!”
Truthfully? I cringe at that advice, and I have a different approach. One that worked for me once upon a time, and it’s a healthier way of getting over someone:
Seriously, it’s that easy. Stop looking for fulfillment in someone else and start looking for it within yourself. I promise you, it’s there. You might have to dig to find it, but it is there. You can be happy and fulfilled without being with someone.
Besides, being single is actually a really important stepping stone in finding The One. It’s the time you take to realize what did or didn’t work for you during your last relationship, and what you’d like from future relationships. It’s the time you should be spending getting to know yourself again. You really can’t expect someone else to love you the way you need to be loved if you don’t know how to love yourself. How can they give you what you need, if you can’t give yourself it first? If you don’t even know what it is that you want?
Those who jump immediately into a new relationship after the old one ends are not giving themselves the appropriate amount of time to mourn the loss of the previous relationship and to reflect upon what went wrong. I call these people “relationship junkies”. They fall in love easily and then when the inevitable happens and the relationship ends, they jump right back into the dating pool looking for a new relationship.
These “relationship junkies” are not taking time to process their emotional baggage, and that’s how the cycle repeats itself again and again.
I’ve given this advice to my friends and loved ones before, and many of them shared the same concerns: they don’t even know where to start. Here are some tips that I found helped me once upon a time:
- Make a bucket list of things that you want to do. Places you want to go, things you want to happen with your career goals etc. Then start doing them.
- Spend more time with family and friends, and less time worrying about your relationship status. Host dinners and go on adventures. You don’t need a boyfriend or a girlfriend to experience things and make fantastic memories.
- Start a journal. Write your feelings out–every last one of them. Be brutally honest, and focus more so on yourself and your reactions rather than all the horrible things your ex did to piss you off. You can’t change what they did, but you can reflect upon your reactions to certain triggers, and perhaps in the future this knowledge will help you defuse a situation that triggers you.
- Make a checklist for qualities you want in a partner. If a potential love interest doesn’t have any of the qualities on your checklist, don’t waste your time–or theirs. Be picky, and don’t settle.
- Focus on saving money, because everyone should have a fuck off fund.
If you think you might be a relationship junkie, don’t worry. There’s hope for you…you just need to try something different. The end game isn’t landing a husband or wife, it’s learning how to love yourself despite your relationship status.