The best way I can think to describe it is that I feel like I’m in a row boat in the middle of the ocean with no paddles. This row boat also happens to have a hole in it, and its a little smaller than the size of a dime. Water seeps in, slowly trickling in, but I’m in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight and no hope of rescue. I try scooping the water out with my hands and plugging the hole with my finger, but it’s a temporary fix…a band-aid.
I’m still in the middle of the ocean, in a boat with no paddles, with a hole that’s not going away. It’s a metaphor, I guess. For life and how overwhelming it feels right now.
I’m fighting to stay afloat–it’s exhausting. I’m doing it, of course, and I’ll continue doing it…but it’s exhausting.
I think, every now and then, I’m allowed to be angry about this situation and what brought me here to this place. I’m allowed to express my frustration. I have kept relatively quiet for the last four months, but it’s getting harder to keep my mouth shut and “keep it to myself”. I’m a writer by nature–writing is my therapy, and so many times I’ve sat down to write out my thoughts and feelings, about how I’m feeling, and I’ve had to discard these writings because they might “upset” someone.
Well, I’m done with being afraid to upset this particular person. I’ve been nothing but supportive and understanding for years, and there’s only so much support and understanding one can offer someone who refuses to help themselves. There’s only so much patience for someone who uses and manipulates everyone around them. There’s only so many times you can can hear the same excuses, the same promises that are broken time and time again. There’s only so much one person can handle, watching someone they care about making poor choices and behaving in a self-destructive way.
You can only tolerate watching someone never face the consequences for their actions, no matter how terrible they are or how bad they’ve affected others. There’s only so many times you can pull the victim card before those around you revoke it.