I had such high hopes for 2017. I wanted to publish Rebel Song by March, and have another two books written and ready for editing by this time too. However, life has had other plans for me. It seems like every time I find my footing, something knocks me back over again.
I’ve struggled a lot with writers block, too. This book is insanely challenging to write. If you’ve read the first two books in the Rebel Series, you probably know why. I need to be careful with Becky’s story, and with Becky. I need complete and utter focus, which I don’t often have.
I am doing my best, but often–it doesn’t feel like that’s good enough, and I’m sorry.
It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been in a lot of pain lately, too, and the last thing I want to do is sit at my rather uncomfortable desk. Ignoring my usual wrist issues, for weeks my ankle hasn’t felt quite right, and for the last week it’s gotten immensely worse…to the point that the sharp, jabbing pain will quite literally knock me on my ass.
While it consistently aches, the sharp, jabbing pain comes and goes randomly. Sometimes this piercing pain happens when I’m walking on even ground. I’ll be fine for two steps then boom; and it’s painful enough to make me stop and wince as I try to breathe through it. Sometimes it happens when I’m trying to stand on my toes to reach something in the cupboard. A few times, it’s happened when I’m walking up or down the stairs. Those times, I’ve fallen. Not very far thankfully, but the experience is jarring enough to merit a begrudging wariness on stairs.
I bought an ankle brace with hopes it would help in some way, but it hasn’t. It’s tight and uncomfortable and difficult to get on, especially because the sharp jabbing pain occurs when I try to put socks on too. I even pulled out my cane, but unfortunately it aggravates my already crappy wrists, so I can’t use it all the time either.
I know–I need to get in to see my specialist. I need to get x-rays, then hope that my specialist will see me relatively quick. But with that comes the possibility of more surgeries and to be honest…I’m tired. I’m wary. Surgeries seem to do more harm than good in my “later years”. My body takes longer to recover and the damage tends to be worse than the original discomfort.
But I also haven’t been able to go on hikes and I’ll admit; I’ve driven the kids to their bus stop more than once the last few weeks and it’s only a three minute walk down the road. I don’t want this to be my new norm. I had a hard enough time adjusting to my new norm after the last surgery, and some days I still can’t accept it.
That being said, I’m still clucking away at Rebel Song, and I refuse to do a rush job on a book that needs tender love and care, so I’m trying to kick my own expectations of production aside and focus on the most important bit: writing. Becky and Travis will deliver on the swoon, so I’m not worried there–but her broken pieces require more attention. I’m comforting myself with the motto quality over quantity.
Plus…I will admit, a new story idea has taken root in my brain and I’ve begun to write out scenes as they come to me, just so that I won’t lose them. My notebook probably makes zero sense at the moment, but these scenes are too good to potentially forget. Alas, that’s one of the more challenging things about being a writer–the call to keep writing, even when it’s not the story you should be focusing on.